Radiant, Real and Risen…

In a few weeks I will be embarking on a new career. What’s that? Don’t I think I am a little old to be starting a new career? Well, truthfully, no, not at all. For the first time in a long time, I will be doing what I have been called to do for a very long time. I wasn’t ready to take it to task. Why? Because I wasn’t sure I was up to it. You see, God has been knocking on my door for a long time. I answered the door many times, and shut it, just as fast, right in His face. I was scared, stubborn, and well, that about sums it up. Scared and stubborn.

I have been blessed to call myself His Child. I am His. I know this because He has never left me, not once, not ever, never. I ran from Him plenty. I made choices to run in a totally different direction because I did not fit in early on as a child. My early years weren’t so much formative as they were informative. I was informed on the subject of bullying, religion versus spiritual confusion, and experiencing molestation at the hands of a trusted gym teacher when I was nine years old. I grew up in a Catholic home with siblings and loving parents. What I didn’t have was a crystal ball or a trusted teacher, or confidante to confide in during all this growing up and throwing up in my early years.

Fast forward a decade and I am married and pregnant, and did I mention, scared and still stubborn? This marriage was doomed from the beginning, right? Boyfriend, yes, father no. Keep the baby, absolutely, stay married…tried, just couldn’t figure it all out and it certainly didn’t make sense after all the stuff I had been through that no one knew about and I hadn’t shared with anyone because I was…you guessed it, scared and stubborn.

So, after two and a half years, we went separate ways, but stayed close and to this day, I admire and respect this man. He is a really good man. Into the next couple of years, the disco era, as I fondly remember it, I became a DJ, and a hard working mom, and met a man I thought I loved and he loved me. Trouble was, I was still that scared young girl who didn’t completely trust anyone, and gave her heart so freely at times, when she felt the least bit of love of some kind she thought was real and lasting, and once again, I was lost in a dream, and of course, I was still, you guessed it, scared and stubborn. Up to this point, I had never thought to invite the Lord into my heart. I wasn’t sure if it was because I felt so much guilt at having failed so often at what felt like pretty much everything, or I was too proud, because I felt cheated out of some fairytale kind of happy life, that I thought everyone else was living except me, or could it possibly be that I was still just scared and stubborn?

Several years into this marriage, I was facing some very ugly truths about myself, my choices, my life and my marriage. None of it was working. My choices were based on who knows what, a whim, one drink too many that led to yet another bad decision, or one more lie I would tell myself so I didn’t have to face the truth about another failed marriage. I was lost in a vicious cycle of abuse, self-loathing, depression, delusional thinking, and let’s give it one more try. A repetitive cycle that became familiar and comfortable for a long time, until I just couldn’t keep up the smile, or the brave front, or the fact that I was really scared and yes, very stubborn.

So, you would think this is where I would make a dramatic change, and get my stuff together, right? Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. I found my way into yet another dysfunctional relationship that took the next seventeen years of my life, and still, I remained scared and oh, so very stubborn.

I did find my way home to my family, my girls, my friends and most of all to my Savior. I realized running away from the One who loves me most, the One who saves me from myself daily, is the One with the most compassion, mercy and unconditional love. That makes our relationship SACRED. All that time I had been misreading the messages. I was missing all the signs, why? I think we all know why, right? I had to figure out the confusion, in my life, just like the letters in SCARED to SACRED, I had to put the work in, I had to trust in His plan It took a long time, but He is not only My Savior, My Hope and My Healer, He is the most Patient and Caring Abba, Father EVER! He is SACRED in this life! I will never be SCARED again! I have also learned being stub-born only delays and cuts us off from one another, from our Angels, Our Guides, Our Father, instead, allow yourself to relax, to trust, to believe and to be re-BORN, instead of stub-BORN, and your LIFE will blossom like the flowers of Spring! You will recognize Him because He is and always will be, Eternally and Forevermore, Sacred, Amen.

Have a Beautiful Easter, He is Risen!